A Reason To Live

Disclaimer: Yes in a sense you may call me crazy.

Individuality? What's the point? Religions telling you they want unity but keep their exclusivity. Oneness an arm's reach away, scared of change we refuse to grasp it. Distorted reflections of each other, always something new to learn from each other, but can never humble down and accept we are just as much students as we are masters. As reflections we create each other, we co-create each other. Even as I strive and crave for unity, I stay an individual as others want to be. Stressful, but something I am accustomed to ever since my consciousness created my physical being. Yes, it feels nice to say, "my name is Apex Chuidian. My hobbies include writing, making music, and making friends" that alone makes me different, that alone keeps us segregated.

I scream aggressive thoughts, trying for a message to be heard, but the meaning is lost in anger. What's so hard about letting out love when that's what my intuition is telling me to. Rather than spitting the hate that creates nothing but pain for others. I don't believe anymore, I'd rather choose to feel, instead to be stuck in this hamsterwheel we call life. I'm not trying to attack anyone rather just help the facts known by myself and to everyone else.

I feel as if I'm stuck in a cell sometimes, filled with the rats that I feed everyday. It made them want to stay around me since I fed the hungry vermin. Even as I had once wanted to see them squirming in fear. The need for sheers to hurt the innocent is no longer in trial. As your own vial of blood had been spilt among the creatures of the night only looking bigger because they stand on stilts.

The Flood on the Shore

And here are her thoughts. I don't believe I am the type to give my heart away easily. I think it's just that innate desire in me to want to love others and understand the kind of people they are—individually. But I have learned, that once my heart is attached to one, the love that I possess for them changes. Must we always go through a withdrawal process with every one? I think so. I miss so much people that are away and just close by. The company, the similarities, the differences, the newness, the entire learning process on each other. It changes. It's beautiful all the time, but then again there is always that chance that one day it will die. Or it doesn't have to die, sometimes it just passes on to someone else. When your time is up, all you can really do is hold on to what you have left and hope that the next time it comes around, nothing is different. I hate this feeling, though: The withdrawal of a friendship becoming fast stale. Whatever happened to the friendship that is not easily wasted? I keep wondering. Trust issues always becomes the first problem when such "wasting" happens. And you think to yourself, how can you trust anyone again? But then there's that tiny beauty of being human beings that are in perpetual need of each other. Despite how many times our heart experiences brokenness, it will always go back to the beginning. We are human enough to live, and love, and lose and do it all over again. That is the beauty of life.